vines

vines

vines - chapter 1

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• New process makes stories appear to be secondhand thus robbing them of credibility
• Government uses technology developed by makers of the Bigs to download a new version of Earth which will be used as a spare -- like strategic petroleum reserves.
• Age spots detected on rings of Saturn .
• Marshall Mathers' poetry translated into snoring and used in sleep learning education programs.
• Mantra movies become popular. Current favorite is: Ottawa Ottawa Ottawa.
• The first upside down woman is created using plastic surgery.
• T is kidnapped by the Dopamine Girlz
• An interesting twist: some people choose encystment even when there is adequate food supply.
• Pentagon develops new weapon which acts like Roach Motel.
• Pellicles protect humans from being learned or controlled by the new remote control units.
• Rasmussen Retsforfølger Rabobankis -- the most popular baby name of 2008.
• Franklin accuses countries which have large lakes of stealing the oceans
• AGTI trains Kentucky Fried Chicken to make subtle movements that make it more palatable to women.
• Trunking technology allows people having inter-dimensional affairs to evade inter-dimensional detectives hired by spouses.
• Animals publish biographies -- flooding the market and expanding bookstores to the breaking point.
• New technology allows people to copy themselves into other dimensions instead of just moving. This solves many of the problems of inter-dimensional affairs since the copy in the other dimension is technically not the same person. However, this leads to massive inter-dimensional crowding.
• It's discovered that by putting any substance in a Crisco can, that substance becomes Crisco.
• All along, a secret group has been removing documents left around the neighborhood
• The Dopamine Girlz try to wipe out the Micro-Girlz using insecticide, but it only ends up making them stronger.
• Knowledge terrorists hide falsely carbon dated objects in Egyptian temples, causing history to be reinterpreted.
• Erotic ideas exchanged via snoring are more exciting than real sex.
• German words keep getting longer until all the knowledge of human civilization can be expressed in one German word.
• Underground x-rays show communities of people living deep inside the Earth. They are protected and inaccessible to the people living on the surface.
• New government program subsidizes failing marriages.
• Emissions from new Crisco found to induce hallucinations.
• Elmander and Brøndby team up to negotiate with microbes.
• Nanotechnology allows animal suits to be made small enough to fit microbes.
• Hemlock wine is popular at suicide parties
• Where are we going to put all of these copies of the earth?
• Entire tribes reenact the characters of the New Testament as portrayed in movies and in the Bible. Their lives are an endless church pageant.
• Laugh tracks used as punishment for unruly children
• Franklin is made into shish kebab by mermaids
• SMB releases: "Baked Stuffed Soul".
• An alarming discovery: You are what you have sex with. This is absolutely the case with protozoa. It appears to be true with humans as well. Finally an explanation for couples who wear matching clothes.
• Scientists studying the human genome figure out how to turn off the survival instinct.
• False anonymous_tips to Homeland Security grind the system to a halt.
• Oil is found to be a living thing with feelings and needs just like people.
• The secret to raising smart kids? Have them listen to recordings of Dalida.
• A monkey does Darwin's mother -- What does this mean?
• Noise cancellation algorithms are applied to everything until the world becomes silent.
• Accelerated pellicle suits allow fast reproduction
• Franklin proposes hiding the seas to prevent unwelcome trespassers from finding them.
• Human prayer is found ineffective and negligible compared to prayer of dolphins and other species with lower evo numbers.
• Fluoridated water interferes with a safe journey to the afterlife.

vines - chapter 2

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• Pit bulls eliminated from suburbs using redaction. No one remembers them ever being there.
• French speaking pit bulls charm visitors to Morocco
• Zulu becomes official language of the moon.
• Where are they stashing the spare earths? Are they going to other dimensions? Are these false earths pre-populated? If so with whom?
• Is it fair for humans to make all the rules? Organismic freedom group fights for the right of all organisms to vote.
• SMB releases: "Selling Out"
• SMB IPO nets billions.
• Torture found effective at inducing pain in government tests.
• DoCoMo turns out to be long lost illegitimate child of Perry Como and a dodo.
• Soulbook.
• Pre-assembled Christmas yard decoration shows man being electrocuted while stringing Christmas lights.
• Galaxies, stars, and planets are subject to same behavioral rules as all animals.
• The Pentagon develops abstract weapons which take out entire branches of thought and philosophy.
• Who would waste their time searching for a word like the?
• Exiled musician escapes by making an inter-dimensional copy, leaving dejected original self behind
• Animal sound chart (online) becomes key to universal interspecies speech.
• Baby strength experiments ordered by government: Millions of lab babies are used in experiments to find mutations resistant to nuclear radiation and disease. Monsanto is project manager.
• The zoo-sexual look is popular among men. That is, adopting various animal suit features like fins and horns into normal clothing.
• C74 develops spectral language which describes audio in the same fashion as MIDI does for notes and structures. It can be used to reconstruct audio, in an intuitive way, without reverting to editing of individual samples.
• Music triggers found in brain. These triggers cause amazing things like healing, orgasm, etc., in response to certain music in the form of audio. Government launches project to create all possible music, in order to test it on brain for triggering possibilities.
• Gene amplification replaces plastic surgery.
• All houses become greenhouses.
• Glow-in-dark version of Dick Cheney animal suit is best-seller this holiday season.
• Flying saucer runs off new Crisco.
• Foundation Hopes to Lure Top Students to Teaching using hookers.
• Human implanted chips have searchable keywords allowing you to find and alert other humans using search engines.
• Bay stretching method creates thousands of miles of new shoreline.
• Microscopic commodity trading in genetic material.
• Focussed sound beam technology fills the world with announcements.
• In the new Zulu language, every word begins with the letter Z.
• From eating so many children, pit bulls acquire human genetic material and start behaving like children.
• Monodinium is the hottest item in the microbe commodity market
• SMB releases: "The 10 Lost Sense Organs".
• Seeking to jump start ailing lottery systems, state governments sells tickets to public executions, torture, and other state-sponsored activities.
• Functioning sexual organs result in higher property tax due to higher probability of offspring and subsequent school and infrastructure needs.
• One strategy for this book, would be shock value. If it appears there is no other literary value to this material, we can use Internet translators to raise the level of shock one paragraph at a time.
• SMB invents antennas (transponders) which use other dimensions as routing channels.
• If you lose your data you become nothing. For example, this entire book is stored as data.
• Biofeedback replaces marijuana.

vines - chapter 3

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• Tubes filled with Crisco, shaped as wires, are found to be more efficient with higher throughput than fiber optics.
• How many dimensions does the spirit world occupy? Can those dimensions be used for habitation? Or will there be dire consequences? Will it cause spirits to return to our dimension and haunt us?
• Barry Lyndon is voted the slowest movie of all time. Emergency rooms use it to calm down overdose victims and comfort people who are in shock.
• Condoleezza Rice wears a locket containing 10,000 miniature pit bulls
• Special camera based on Roliflex design allows people to take pictures of their past and future.
• New reverse promotion methods: use mantra books to lower self-esteem. For example, fail fail fail fail etc...
• Mecca and Maaco team up to repair soul transmission problems.
• The "E. Coli Song" is very inspirational to microbes and increases their energy whenever they hear it
• Franklin was able to reduce the number of illegitimate children in his house by using pit bulls to eat them.
• The SMB IPO is a total failure and ends up costing a fortune in application fees and overhead. SMB goes bankrupt.
• Government considers outlawing feelgood books -- in line with its history of regulating anything that feels good.
• SMB releases: "United States of Controversy".
• Report by Zigzag think tank exposes fraud of science reporting: It has been publishing false crap for years. A typical claim would be: Uranus and Neptune Swapped Spots, New Model Says. Claims like this cannot be verified even by most scientists, so are just accepted, if the source has been reputable in the past. Ira Flatow is led away in chains.
• New genetic-terrorist plot thwarted: It would have turned all humans into Santa Clauses on Christmas.
• The increasing popularity of encystment and sending prisoners to a dimensional equivalent of Australia has freed up enough open land to allow nomadic living.
• Accutane doesn't actually cure acne, it just moves it along to somebody else using inter-organism transmission methods. The overall level of acne remains constant throughout the world.
• On the advice of Dr. Phil, everyone in New Hampshire changes their name to Christie.
• Annoying music, as measured by MII, interferes with the movement of food vacuoles within cells. Food vacuoles get confused and forget where they are going.
• Orgasm inducing dog treats become extremely popular.
• Research shows infinite detail in cells. Some scientists want to rename cells: animals and call the detail cells.
• SMB coloring books have pre-colored option. You can buy them individually hand colored by 3rd world slave labor.

vines - chapter 4

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[standard disclaimer]

• Do mermaids have vaginas?
• Terrorettes employ disgruntled librarians to redefine online definition of plot to fit this book, thus nullifying the plots of all other books.
• How long does it take to grow a tail after that gene sequence is turned back on?
• Joni Mitchell keeps growing new stomachs and becomes hideously deformed other than her wide pretty mouth.
• Paris, France is razed, and rebuilt using Paris, Maine as a template.
• Researchers learn to understand which music increases vigor in one celled animals.
• Didinium fools public by becoming philanthropists on the order of Gates/Buffet.
• Blogs are the ultimate instantiation of purposelessness.
• Relationships are actually coded into genetic material. Marriages, divorces, counseling, etc. can now be accomplished via gene therapy. Every relationship is coded into a special region of genetic material that starts out blank (baby) and gets written to as the organism forms relationships.
• The only way to verify MAA, is to videotape dances from auto-generated choreography and then feed that video through MAA to see if it generates roughly the same choreography.
• Tree sap is found to have magical properties. Soon all trees are being tapped or killed for their sap.
• The legal killing foundation (LKF) helps people find creative legal ways to kill. Wars and false accidents come to mind.
• The "Whoville Grinch Song" is combined with "The Song That Never Ends" to create a powerful and annoying spiritual chant.
• SMB releases: "Animal of The Future".
• Alex Jones, recovered from monkeyfication, now speaks only French.
• Long German words become fashionable in jump rope games.
• New microscopes show amazing detail of train wrecks and little SimCity like processes going on in random pools of stale liquid.
• A large percentage of the women who had operations to become upside down have had subsequent operations to reverse the procedure and become right side up. Many of these women claim that they originally agreed to have the operations in order to please their husbands or boyfriends who typically promised them oral sex if they would agree to have the operation. In actual fact, many of the men lost interest in the women after they became upside down.
• Rodney King and Condoleezza Rice are secretly married
• Food scientists use encysted humans to determine which foods trigger excystment. To their surprise, powerful cheeses seem to have very little effect, and in fact seem to increase the duration of the encystment.
• New KFC restaurants have lobbies where chicken eaters can mingle or hang up their coats.
• Microbes are shocked by the banality of multicell organisms. They expected much more.
• Indiana Representative Julia Carson uses implanted RFID technology to help scientists map the spirit world.
• Temporary liquefication and merging is a mind blowing experience. Scientists suggest liquefying an entire village, pouring the liquid into a giant vat, or dry lake bed for mingling, then reversing the process.
• New drivers licenses are actually miniature flying carpets obviating the need for cars.
• Investigative reporters find evidence that MIT graduate students are having sex with Kismet.
• Biofeedback techniques allow people to selectively alter osmotic pressure in various organs and systems of the body.
• "Uncle Henry's" becomes method of choice for selling human and animal body parts -- both functioning and non-functioning.
• New pharmaceutical product causes hallucination of sofas.
• New source of Molock is discovered in dormant Brazilian volcano.
• Entire restaurants are regenerated daily using three-dimensional printers.
• The DMZ between North and South Korea morphs into a giant sexual organ. This is because they have spent so much time f___ing with each other.
• Biologists find genetic basis of human lust for power. By studying genetic material from tyrants, geneticists find a common pattern. They are able to identify this pattern in newborn humans and perform corrective gene therapy.
• Some bee stings cause people to start speaking a different language. for example, Zulu.
• New militia group forms with goal of eliminating television from public places.
• Since you started reading this book, microbes hidden in the paper, have burrowed into you altering genetic material in your brain and artificially implanting the inability to put this book down until you are finished.
• Eyeless vision becomes dating method of choice.
• New gravity amplifier works by tapping potential energy in long German words.
• Worker microbes trained as nanotech factories
• Photo gallery of Salma Hayek features photos which devolve into versions of Salma at lower evo number levels.
• Floataway Tablets cause paramecium to lose structure.
• In schoolmarm franchise schools, secret milk-induced gene therapy is used on boys to erode their attraction to any other type of woman except for schoolmarms. Young girls are also treated to prevent them from becoming schoolmarms. Lesbianism is encouraged via rewards.
• After wife shoots flat-screen TV in home-temperature dispute, secret messages and visions are displayed through the bullet hole. They may have tapped into a communications portal to inner earth.
• Top Ten Space Pictures in the News of 2007 all depict aliens as losers. According to Alex Jones, this is done to discourage people from looking at the sky so they won't see whats really going on.
• Helix nebula photos show a giant eye but Felix nebula photos show an animated cat carrying a magic bag.
• Gambling now taught to pre-schoolers as a survival skill.
• Julien Lepers voted worlds ugliest man by the animal kingdom.
• Julien Lepers is exiled to a small town.
• Pit bulls are like banyan trees -- connected by an extensive root network.
• Commercialization of christmalicia with action figures, and tie-ins.
• Sumo wrestlers descend on NH.
• Candyland game contains secret instructions which turn infants to the dark side.
• Universal words are defined as words that go through translator algorithms and remain unchanged. Magical words are words that the translator algorithms create and defy further translation.
• Contractile vacuole is actually a primitive form of accordion.
• The asteroid on a collision course with Mars is actually a food ship delivering supplies.

vines - chapter 5

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• Its fashionable for paramecium dancers to have miniature pet pit bulls.
• Katrina And The Waves are forced to give back their name because they aren't hip enough to deserve it.
• The smell that wakes didinium turns out to be testosterone
• Why is simplification so complicated? -- a surgeon's point of view
• Laughter is a symptom of several diseases.
• New videogames control behavior of organisms in swamp water samples by using targeted electrical stimulation.
• Gasoline engine as musical instrument.
• Mysterious fashion signals cause American women to start wearing grass skirts.
• Improperly functioning Bluetooth support causes penis to explode.
• Heavy clothes allow people to take Floataway Tablets without floating away. The clothes are designed to withstand incredible forces without causing pain to the wearer. You actually feel like you're floating while the heavy clothes keep you on the ground.
• Genetic procedure allows doctors to selectively turn instincts on and off. For example, the survival instinct.
• Human resources departments match evo numbers to job descriptions.
• Perfume causes genetic change in nearby men so that their preferred body type matches that of the woman wearing the perfume.
• Gunmen try to kill liquefied Martians at Greenwood antenna site.
• Its popular to carry genetic material of loved ones in lockets and special genomic jewelry or portable urns.
• Nude photos of Laure Manaudou reveal hidden striped areas.
• Users of Floataway Tabs who find themselves transported to particular destinations realize they are mistakenly taking Float-to Tabs.
• The Randoms are used as soldiers because they kill randomly. It is an effective means of lottery-based eugenics.
• Former President Bush is kidnapped and surgically altered to become Ringo Starr.
• New bullshit detectors allow the Terrorettes to search out and destroy books containing the phrase 'Webster defines as" -- or variants. Since this book is also destroyed, nobody ever finds out about it.
• Space grieving is latest trend: the exhilaration and distraction of a trip into outer space is just what-is-needed in times of sadness and loss.
• Microbe family trees.
• Postit notes are used to modify and improve large structures. By writing a description of the needed changes and sticking it to the appropriate spot, the message magically takes effect.
• Surge of baby anger causes parents to mistake their children for anti-christs and have them preemptively killed.
• The abandoned Penley mill in West Paris, Maine is a flying saucer factory.
• Animal suits with biofeedback change animal types when you get high while wearing them.
• You-tube finally accepts upside down (UD) videos.
• Microscopic examination of KFC reveals continuously beating cilia.
• Biologists develop human operating system.
• Florence Devouard is voted world's hottest woman.
• Asbestos covered snowmen resist flamethrower attacks.
• Drunk driving is now encouraged as a method of reducing traffic by keeping sensible people off the roads.
• New form of nonprofit is called nunprophet -- where nuns proclaim visions of the future handed to them by god.
• Sixfinger toy found on mars after asteroid collision.
• Sipping blackberry wine through Twizzlers is amazing.
• Bees exposed to television lose motivation and will to pollinate.
• Kentucky Fried Nothing (KFN)
• Self Googling is more popular than masturbation.
• Priest and nun suits let lay people enjoy celibacy.
• Don't let your characters grow up to be cowboys.
• Why is their no animal equivalent of jail?
• Government announces amnesty-day on which its ok to murder children without wearing a uniform.
• 899...

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**[editor's note] the publisher advises me to remind you to click 'next'**