evo

blue

evo - chapter 1

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• Contrary to popular belief, zombies actually feel pretty good. Inside they experience great joy and pride in their work. They are so consumed with inner ecstasy that they don't have time to attend to personal hygiene. Thats why they look the way the do.
• A battle of microbes breaks out inside a sheep rumen. The entire sheep explodes. The remains are consumed by the microbes. An RC drone comes in for what looks like a landing but pulls up at the last minute and sprays fluorescent green liquid onto the microbes. They vanish with a foggy glow like the aliens in "Earth vs. The Flying Saucers".
• The magnetic center of the earth realigns itself to the OPSW.
• Evo factions dismiss devo by framing it as designer-evo (evo-D).
• When Alex Jones returns from rehab he is covered with monkey hair. [editors note] Is this the mark of didinium?
• The big family (created by bodcasting the Randoms) are 20 feet tall. They have their own show. They hate microbes (bugs) and they hate devolution (slutmonkeys). They are growing in popularity -- just as the Randoms and seal dancing start to get annoying.
• Jesus-style eclipses doggy-style in popularity. The answer to WWJD is: dress in robes, walk around barefoot, and perform miracles.
• Underground x-ray maps show a massive undiscovered hub centered beneath Greenwood, Maine.
• Synchronized swimming in striped suits is found to bring a sense of well being to television viewers.
• Pit bull head masks become extremely popular, especially on people with great bodies and ugly faces.
• Did SMB really rise above sex or are they just using this as a hard-to-get ploy -- a variation of the gay strategy?
• Interspecies marriages lead to speculation of circular branching in the evolutionary tree.
• "Nothings Going to Change My World" becomes anthem of anti-devo factions.
• Everyone's edgy today. They welcome a crisis that will bring them together -- neighbor helping neighbor, tribe helping tribe.
• Ellen says to Paul: "I don't want to go to interdimensional space - that’s just like staying here in Norway. I want to go to real space. Outer space".
• By using lower organisms as slaves, humans tap into limitless background energy fields. But the power gets canceled by negative karma. Tragedies occur to the human race which equal and exceed gains achieved using the free energy. Some see this as a sign that microbes have the upper hand.
• The first interventions take place in a modular home. The process is painless but physically demanding as organisms take on pre-existing genetic material. During intervention, the client loses focus and appears as a spectral aura. When the process is complete, the client has lucid memories of the regressed state, which quickly fade to be replaced by artifacts of modern life.
• The animal suit industry is reeling from the bigs. Some customers want really big suits. Others want microbe suits
• A Tontonic version of Esperanto becomes the international language of stereotypical Indians.
• Advocates of evo claim that we should fear the devo-SM fear cure.
• Al Gore suggests credit system: Organisms with higher evo numbers would support those less fortunate so-called primitives. The devo crowd claims he's got it backwards & that high evo number organisms should be pitied. Government responds by changing the method of calculating evo numbers to one which favors large corporate interests like Nabisco and United Airlines.
• How-to use the 10 primitive sense organs.
• Jim's theorem: the human mind can only deal with 3 facts at a time. If you wanna learn new shit you gotta use beer to push out the old facts.
• Ellen asks, "Why are we comparing one celled animals to human beings? Whose cockamanie idea was that?"
• Pomegranates of the Penis: Gay men use their penises to shoot pomegranate seeds into each others mouths.
• Alex Jones warns: "We're at a tipping point. If we regress further we won't know how to get back. Who's to say we'll stop a one cell? What if we just keep going back to whatever preceded micro-organisms -- back before the beginning of the universe?"

evo - chapter 2

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• If you put your hand on this page in the book (or your computer screen) you will feel a strong beam of energy escaping from the page. This is the hole in the plot structure. Like the mythical ozone hole it expands and contracts.
• The future is revealed in a 3 part series by Uma Pemmaraju.
• Dirt based tribes gather in Germany for a diet of worms.
• New plot generation method: Mix in random news.
• The idea of 10 lost sense organs launches a new self improvement craze. Shamans claim to be able to restore vestigial sense organs by reawakening dormant genetic material.
• SMB covers the "Pina Colada Song" only its called the "E. Coli Song".
• KFA has the same letters as Kafka.
• Sign seen at Oxford Hills Walmart: caveman had a better life . This is part of a faction claiming that human value is measured long term, not quarterly, or daily like the stock market.
• IFO by Scott Parker.
• B discovers how to play the guitar in a way that notes and rhythms don't matter. The music goes from the hands to the guitar without interference.
• SMB releases: "Lost Baggage" -- an animated feature exploring branches of the evolutionary tree. Working up each branch toward the modern age, we see one common element: loss of useless features. For example, in becoming human, we lost tails, gills, and fur. Even evolutionary dead-ends represent loss. But in the case of dead ends, there was loss of vital function. This doesn't seem far fetched but they go one step further showing the absence of loss over the past 10,000 years -- justifying a small course correction.
• Some find that serious injuries just lead to serious injuries -- not special powers.
• The New-Children's-Army uses cereal boxes (and cereal) for recruiting. The cereal contains genetically coded messages which induce normal children to become mercenaries.
• Al Gore: Its not black and white anymore. Cellular regression and dimensional corridors have made this a bigger planet. For travelers and the small -- earth is once again a new frontier.
• SMB releases: "I Wish I was a Fish"
• More and more, MAA is questioned. Some claim that MAA-generated dances all look the same.
• The definition of true randomness changes from time to time unpredictably.
• Its not fair to have 900 ideas for books but lack the skill to actually write them. What kind of idiot savant torture is that?
• Q&A on cellular regression and aging: Q: If I devolve will I live forever? A: No, but its not black and white. The Galapagos tortoise has the longest conventional life but consider paramecium -- it can technically live forever by dividing (binary fission) and renewing genetic material via sexual reproduction. Q: Is that why old people don't buy into devolution A: Yes, because old worn out cells are a liability in some species. Q: Is there a fountain of youth for humans? A: Not if you are talking individual organisms. For a tribe the youth fountain is called birth. It is balanced by death.
• Paramecium gives off some kind of smell that wakes didinium from encystment.
• The South Paris, Maine KFC is the world center of culinary genetic engineering (CGE)
• Fashion critics ridicule pellicle shaped clothing as the Mister Peanut look.
• According to SMB human evolution stopped in July of 1988.
• Scientists theorize that didinium's ruthless behavior stems from its ridiculous personal appearance. That is, barrels with mini fringe skirts. They are lashing out against millions of years of ridicule

evo - chapter 3

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• Using DNA analysis its discovered that Oompa-Loompas, once thought to be descended from German coal miners, actually share a separate evolutionary branch with Toucans.
• Most of the earth's area lies under the ground. Devo advocates argue that it is an underutilized resource for food and living space -- currently restricted to microbes.
• Cell dying becomes as popular as Easter egg dying. Non-toxic laboratory stains designed for microscopes are delivered to individual cells or groups of cells via cell phone technology.
• The UD tribe spends most of its time upside down. (see Ed Wynn in the 1964 film: "Mary Poppins")
• SMB releases: "Devo is Evo" -- Future is past, past is future, freedom at last, future is past.
• Paul describes his vision of a great wooden ship.
• Organelle suddenly disappears. The only clue: A sixfinger toy left in a microwave oven. Fowl play is suspected.
• The Fuda tribe constructs a giant microscope in a swamp and projects an image of paramecium into the sky like they thing they use to summon Batman.
• Organisms who practice asexual or non standard reproduction methods are added to the sex offender registry. Since this includes most microbes, the massive volume of data causes system wide computer failure.
• The reverse Doolittle project initiated by microbes brings back tons of useful data.
• SMB admits to fabricating the evo-number idea to make their claims sound scientific. They used online evolutionary tree diagrams. However they say that the concept is still valid, and that it was given to them in a vision at Harry Brown's farm in Starks, Maine.
• The film: "From the West" has an amazing love scene where the girl turns Egyptian.
• One cell good -- many cells bad (the new "Animal Farm").
• Dylan suggests that devo and evo are both a waste of time. They are one in the same -- like ketchup and mustard which both go on hot dogs. The real answer is found in the brains of infants -- before imprinting and language overwrite ancient memories.
• The faction that travels to Mount Washington, NH is mostly freaks and misfits. The desire to be cold is not normal. Look at Maine for example. Mainers withstand cold for 8 months but they don’t actually seek it out. The Antarcticans and the MW tribes aren't crazy. They figured out how to use nature to defeat microbes. They have power over cold. (air, water, earth, fire, wind). Cold is absence of fire. Cold gives multicellular organisms an option to decline encystment.
• Evolution day: A worldwide day of mourning for all we have lost (like monkey hair and tails).
• Bee-stings are an inter-species form of rape.
• Unscrupulous dentists replace missing magic teeth, negating magic, and ruining lives.
• Mutation-clicking is latest rave dance craze: You and your partner click on 'remotes' (like tv remotes) which trigger an evolutionary mutation. By clicking through channels, you evolve various human mutations, like animal heads, new sense organs, and cloud-shaped limbs. You click your partner. Your partner clicks you.
• What is the point of purposelessness? Is it cooler than any idea? Is that the purpose?

evo - chapter 4

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• Doubts arise as to whether evo-numbers are measurable. Are they based on the quantity of cells? Then whales would be evo-kings. In a coffee shop near Market Square in South Paris, Maine, talk returns to reincarnation.
• On a December night, beautiful color organ music is projected into the sky from a space station. A sense of calm spreads over the tribes of the earth much like the sense of fear that filled primitive man during an eclipse. The last part of the program is a sing-along. Even though its freezing outside, the entire population of Norway, Maine stands in the snow looking at the sky in wonder. Town officials have ordered all public and commercial lighting darkened for this hour. This magic hour. Paul and Ellen look to the sky. They look across the faces of the townspeople. They sense change. The time is near. Like god's instructions to Noah, through Bill Cosby, they receive instructions from the colors of the sky. Then the sky goes black. The stars return, the street lights come back on, everyone goes inside. In the distance you can hear Gary's harmonica transmitting colors from god -- between red and yellow. Orange, orange, orange, orange, like a beacon in his soul.
• A splinter group of the sixfinger tribe dedicates themselves to an evo/devo collaboration. They devo their way back to the point where humans had the ten original primitive sense organs (which were discarded via natural selection) and use the new evo-F (forward) methods to graft these organs onto modern humans.
• American loser husbands, rejected by Arabian women, find themselves transforming, apparently just one sexual encounter with an Arabian woman reinvigorates these pathetic men into fantasy hunk studs (in the same manner as paramecium reproduction).
• The US, claiming ownership of moon, extracts rent payments from microbe squatters.
• Everybody breaks into: "molock, molock".
• The SMB moon trip DVD is the most popular holiday video of all time outselling "A Charlie Brown Christmas", and "Debbie Does Frosty".
• Osmotic pressure control, great for traveling in water, is adapted to air travel.
• Crisco-dancing overtakes Wesson Oil Twister as the adolescent sex game of choice.
• Kids use the government faked version of David Baker's "How-to Play Bebop" in music lessons, not knowing its fake, and end up revolutionizing jazz by playing so-called wrong notes and ideas.
• What does a food vacuole eat? Is it like a garbage truck that runs off garbage?
• Some claim that Lake Peneseewassee in Norway, Maine is shaped like a paramecium except for the little boot east of Crocker Hill Road. A well defined oral groove is visible on the northeast side.

[editor's note] I'm going to glue some random foam pieces to the walls around the drums.

• Anti-devolutionist factions form within every tribe. They communicate using telephones.
• This book needs one of those heart wrenching Readers Digest stories where someone survives cancer or a flood, or helps kids out of burning buildings and dies going back in.
• SMB releases: "Stupefication" -- dedicated to devo girls and boys.
• SMB releases: "DSB" - with hit single: "Testosterone Farm".
• Just like with paramecium, human sexual reproduction resets the worry gene.
• New rating system sets value of information. For example, stuff viewed on TV gets an 0.002 while things actually perceived get a 9.9.
• SMB releases (then cancels): "Bitchin' Monodinium" -- after a call from Rodney King.
• Fossilized evidence of bebop found in Atlantis.
• Joni Mitchell seen wandering around top of Pikes Hill with a tape measure and bag of Crown Royal.
• Non-regressed tribal members get impatient with devos. The moderns claim that devos act like stoners -- wasting their time hunting & gathering.
• Studies show that babies who sleep in rooms shaped like breasts are happier and stronger regardless of feeding method.
• Theme song of the evo-F tribe is "Get Back to Where You Once Belonged".
• New machine-suits let you dress up as gasoline engine, for instance, and actually function. Zombies are replaced by machine-suit slaves dressed as tractors.
• New remote control units have learn feature that allows you to control people by secretly setting the remote near someone. Then any behavior it records can be repeated by pressing buttons to recall it. Mad scientists record a person both devolving and evolving -- then use the remote to surf the victim's evo number.
• Pit bulls acquire trichocysts and begin to get larger and larger again.
• The GGW producer (now out of jail) make a video of hilarious inter-species sexual encounters & lands back behind bars. His attorney, Johnny Cochran, uses the dog-years defense claiming that a 7 year old dog is not actually a 7 year old dog in an encounter with a 20 year old human. Cochran presents an analysis of each scene of the movie using standard lifespan tables. Combined with release forms, this defense appear to be enough to get Joe Francis off the hook.
• 6th finger groups start adding extra words to mantra books, hoping to disrupt their spells.
• So many ugly women become KFC that ugliness in women becomes rare and beautiful.
• The government suggests a worldwide standard of beauty (and truth).
• The trumpet solos of Miles Davis are translated into Tontonics.

evo - chapter 5

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• SMB releases: "The Upside of Upside-Down" then quickly changes title to "The Downside". Animal rights activists are incensed.
• New mantra book: "worry worry worry worry worry worry worry...".
• Microscopic differences found between organic and conventional bananas.
• SMB releases: "The Wondrous Boat Ride" -- from Willy Wonka -- with DA on lead vocals.
• The FOFA tribe (friends of float aways) sets out to find and return all the missing people and animals which have floated away since 2007. Futurists and population experts go into a panic.
• When Al and Anne open the shop Monday morning there are stacks of July 2nd 1988 concert posters everywhere.
• Mainers use evo-SM for seduction. Maine women are thrilled by the prospect of intelligent conversations.
• Why were things better in 1988?
• In the Oxford Hills Hannaford store, The Newman's-Own line of products is replaced by Paul-and-Ellen products like "Friend of the Devilled Ham" and "AndroscogginOhs".
• Newly empowered schoolmarms start a franchise-school called, "The Board of Education" The board is a wooden paddle.
• SMB releases: "Disembodied Vagina" -- a King Missile tribute.
• Joni Mitchell fights back. She says they got it backwards. Her songs were overplayed & ended up imprinting on protozoa from car radios playing next to swamps
• How-to pick a mate by calculating the median age at which their ancestors got rid of stuffed animals -- measured over 7 generations.
• Franklin defines monogamy as doing one woman at a time.
• On evolution day Alex Jones bullhorns, "Tear off your animal suits". When men in the crowd take off their suits, women are horrified and beg them to put the suits back on. On TV it appears that Jones has a sixth finger on his left hand.
• Tila Tequilla is downstairs waiting for me. Hang on I'll be right back.

evo - chapter 6

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• Many cells good. One cell bad.
• A new human USB/bluetooth port allows temporary female enhancement (TFE).
• Why did that woman burn a miniature American flag at the naked wedding?
• Children ask, "How can I become a Wookie? -- or a talking cartoon sponge?" Is that evo or devo? Which animals are good? Which are bad? Tribal leaders express concern. The answers feel hollow and contrived.
• After reading "Food & Perception" students at Berklee School of Music eat a microbe diet for one month and claim to expreience temporary regression. They are very skinny now.
• Before going out on dates, kids watch superhero cartoons then turn into animated superhero characters for the night. A kid mistakenly watches "60 Minutes" and turns into Morley Safer.
• Word on the street: The Terrorettes had nothing to do with the Bilderberg deaths. In fact they lost their best soldiers (who were spies) the morning after the night of the magic hour.
• There is a lavender glow to the sunrise reflected in snow covered rooftops through the villages of Oxford county.
• Some of the freed American husbands who were stolen by Arabian woman stay in Arabia because the women are so beautiful and interesting.
• On Shawn McCole's map there is a list of planets and the names of species to be delivered to each one. Like a combination of Fedex and Noah's ark.
• Backing-alarms from dumptrucks found to trigger orgasms in housepets.
• IHOP is a Hopi shrine.
• Q & A on the process: Q: Will anyone ever see the spreadsheets that were used to generate this book? A: No.
• Something is happening in Norway, Maine unlike anything anywhere else in the world. There is no fighting, no Democrats no Republicans, no devo. No evo. There are modular homes. There is music. There's a mysterious antenna towering over the Richardson Hollow Road.
• Leading government officials & pundits die of mysterious fast acting viral illnesses. In each case the damage seems contained to the area where it happens, as if the virus can't survive without a living human host.
• Devo factions argue for a total ban on antibiotic therapy based on animal-cruelty laws.
• The vagina channel is an actual channel.
• Why do modern humans need education? Because of natural selection? Education in the modern sense was not important to survival for the first 2 million years. Why is it important now? What did we lose that allowed us to survive without it?
• "The Didinium Files"
• While modern society contends with genetic upheaval, nobody pays attention to the oceans and what goes on inside the earth. The inhabitants of those places call humans surface-dwellers and ridicule their lack of mobility.
• This whole book is disingenuous because the real magic is in a spreadsheet that nobody will ever see. It has not only been doped down for the Web, but as a plot, there is no exit strategy. Its a recursive algorithm with no stopping-test. I'll finish this sheet in a few days & just paste in the ending which was written last week. The whole ending thing is a problem. A story should end, but it should also create suspense and emotional attachment. None of that here. This is an intellectual exercise. None of these characters mean anything. Its a comic book. I hate comic books. They take forever to draw. Structurally, the bridge into the random linking algorithm works fine. But how do you come back out of it? I think its just going to go bang boom blast the end poof.
• Lucy Q, chairman of Norway Savings Bank, fresh off an intervention, declares that president Eschericia is full of shit, and should be disinfected. She holds up a bottle of Dow Bathroom Cleaner and the crowd goes wild.
• Temporary liquification produces a sense of well being and internal freedom. Its scary to watch but so far it seems like a safe procedure, like getting high. Some practitioners claim that it allows your organs to become organelles and float freely -- like in paramecium.
• Smoking a stuffed animal causes you to become the animal (not the real animal, but the stuffed animal).
• GMO labs pop up and mysteriously disappear (like meth labs). Rumors abound about distributed processing centers scattered among modular homes in the Oxford Hills.
• SMB releases: "Recipes for Living Things" -- a musical cookbook.
• Homemaker opens can of new striped Crisco to make an apple pie. Flying pit bulls leap out and eat her children.

evo - chapter 7

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• Hotel rooms overlooking Boston have dials and levers allowing control of things you see out the window, like lights, cars, trains, people, etc., as if it were a giant model railroad layout.
• A faction breaks off the Christmalicia. They form a reclusive but popular warrior-tribe. One of their favorite activities is removing televisions from public places like airports and hospitals.
• Alex Jones rails against the new genetic Babel. "Its time for men to be men, not failed experiments from The Island of Dr. Moreau".
• National tragedy: children born by asexual methods flood the adoption market. Nobody wants them.
• Tonto says: "Too fast, too far. God gave cells. Have good reason".
• Authors discover a way to include current technology in their books without the stories seeming dated when read in the future. When you highlight designated keywords, you can assign the timeless property. This assures that the word will remain contemporary even when read in the future or the past.
• Franklin suggests sterilization of land to prevent contamination of the seas.
• Careful reverse-analysis of people on television allows scientists to compile a list of physical and personality traits which are never, or rarely seen on television. Actors and actresses who embody these traits are hired and allowed to improvise their own show, which is so unique and refreshing that it tanks the careers of the blonde and beautiful.
• The next iteration will have pop culture inserts.
• SMB overthrows the government by putting Floataway Tablets in the Washington, D.C. water supply. They all just float away.
• Since books and writing have gone out of fashion, how-to books are replaced by traveling experts. Like the salesmen who visits your daughter.
• Ellen and Paul have a big fight and end up kicking Rodney King out of the house. He ends up at the cabin down the road with Tom Petty.
• A gang of seals have wrestled and seduced Almondo. Or were they seal-suits containing other life forms?
• "The Sixth Finger" -- An anti-devo faction based on the 1963 Outer Limits episode staring David McCallum.
• Some confuse Shaker method with shaker method and begin shaking all the time like victims of Parkinson's.
• Why evolutionary dead ends? Because predator/prey relationships flip or alter in such a way that each generation leads inexorably toward extinction.
• Someday children of all cellular levels will walk hand in paw to the promised land -- the land of homogenized milk and raw honey. One tribe.
• Using Ipod sized biofeedback devices, teens train themselves to have orgasms triggered by sunlight.
• We apologize. Parts of this chapter have been redacted.
• The slowdown of communication between various parts of the brain (Dec 5, 2007 Google News) can be repaired by allowing microbes in the brain to enjoy sexual reproduction. This would increase activity and efficiency by removing senescence at the cellular level.
• The "stupid is stupid" tribe sabotages the new "Board of Eduction" franchises with laughing gas causing schoolmarms to lose self confidence and become alcoholics.
• As the excavation of Atlantis continues, secret scrolls reveal the god/goddess Hermaphrodite.
• Mister-paramecium-head now comes with a 70 page instruction manual.
• New school: All plots are subsumed by story. Plot is nothing without story.
• Q&A: What made you stick with this book up to this point?
• From a microbe's point of view, a human is an enormous world, like a planet filled with tribes -- each with functions that may include battling other microbes, building and repairing structures, or processing food, etc., When you destroy a human you wipe out a world. Though some would argue that you just change the function of the tribes.

evo - chapter 8

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• Temperature wars: Who survives at various temperatures? Roaches can't live through winter without heat. Some sea animals live in boiling water. Penguins live in bitter cold. High human body temperatures kill viruses.
• Selective food supplies plus encystment (by lottery selection) is an alternative method of population control. Encysted organisms only respond to their particular food type. For example, hotdog-encysters wake up when hotdogs are cooked, whereas Dorito encysters would remain in suspended animation.
• Didinium is communicating. Its your worst nightmare.
• Using suggestions from Dylan, SMB taps into primitive data from children's brains. Its incredible -- beautiful lands, strange creatures in the water and the sky. Vast areas of unspoiled grandeur. Nomadic tribes, the passage of generations, the bounty of life. Birth, death. Balance.
• Another one of the 10 lost sense organs is the ability to transmit control signals directly to another organism, bypassing the brain and its defenses.
• Encystment centers (homes) pop up all over the place. Phillip Dick's "Ubik" is a prototype.
• Men try to follow women's vagina-exposing-fashion-trends by exposing their sex organs and covering everything else. It’s a disaster leading to car accidents and arrests for indecent exposure.
• "Musical Preferences of Single Celled Animals" is a best seller. Some compare it to Masters and Johnson.
• SMB advises scientists: Instrumental music as we know it is not practiced by lower life forms. Scientists send SMB a copy of Billboard magazine as refutation.
• In the natural world many animals like cats and dogs smoke marijuana. Their domesticated brothers and sisters who are imprisoned as pets can never enjoy this once-integral part of their lives. Unless their jailers blow pot smoke into their faces or buy Ganja-Diet instead of Science Diet.
• Counselor Troi tries to get everyone to look at the world from didinium's point of view. Nobody listens.
• Z tells J that when you get too far above sex, chicks think you are a priest and get frightened away.
• Small town ruro-sexuals, agri-sexuals, red-sex-neckuals, begin to appear on the landscape. Can evo/devo-sexuals be far behind?
• Researchers find that by replacing morning coffee with morning cocktails, worker productivity skyrockets.
• Arabian women get tired of stealing American men and happily return to lives of subservience and repression. In the meantime they have mothered a nation of hybrids -- dubbed Islamobrats by Sean Hannity.
• Cavewoman regression fashion has peaked. Men could not tell the difference between devolved women and women pretending to be devolved. Women found that by faking their evolutionary status it made them feel more free but it was sometimes just an excuse to act drunk and do crazy stuff that real cavewomen don't have time for.
• Man verses microbe: Who wins at what cost?
• A weakened central government surrounded by strong tribal factions.
• Monodinium warns unicellular audience of unwelcome changes looming: "When multi-cell animals are gone, there will be no one to protect us from the Bilderbergs".
• Ocean and water dwellers have absolute mobility via swimming. Under the surface of the earth organisms travel though small pathways leading to almost any point. They are not constrained by inferior surface transportation methods.
• As the author I feel I am being manipulated right now by microbes living in my brain.
• Self enfranchised organs demand a theme park of their own where they can travel through displays of an entire organism. The ATP becomes passe, compared to the grand scale of simulated entire-organisms. Ad brochure touts: Journey up the colon of a dog, then ride its heart.
• At a séance, SMB calls up RFK from the dead and throws a huge party.
• Single cell cellular phones are first offshoot of microbiology/quantum fusion research. However, observational effect is triggered by marketing, ruining entire inventory.
• B suggests we abandon the evo number index in favor of a benchmark of accomplishments within classes like mammals, birds, primates, etc., Accomplishments would be measured over 7 generations, at that point you could use a moving weighted average. Downside of this method is that it would take some 250 years to generate enough numbers.
• Seal dancers rumble with the Watusi tribe.
• Was there a caveman equivalent to the food vacuole? Some believe that hunter/gatherers were the burnt out losers from a grand scheme that included flying, swimming, and limitless food sources.
• The battle scene will be a spectacular space war with giant hideous creatures who inflict painful slow deaths upon multicellular organisms (ie humans). The humans will get surprise help from space.
• SMB plays at Finish Line in Bethel. A huge argument breaks out over reincarnation versus peyote/dimensional corridor travel.
• The author's guild realizes suddenly that the CIA is redacting any mention of didinium and leaving references to penis. An emergency session is convened. Some members want to call it quits. Others say no, we need to use this to get a clear picture of what is forbidden. Bill McKibben comes to Books & Things and explains that there is no way that microbes or any other faction can take over the earth because automatic feedback mechanisms, like weather, kick in and and push back any effort to alter oceans, earth, and skies. Its not that hard to kill off one species, like humans, for instance. but mostly he says you will eat the black queen and still fall short of the moon.
• Nature based tribes encourage intimate relations with traditionally inanimate objects like rocks, trees, and plants. They claim this energizes both participants.
• Modern Christmas music is transcoded into the language of scientific journals. Songs begin with abstracts instead of intro's.
• Evos call for destruction of emos.

evo - chapter 9

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• New laughing garbage trucks bring holiday cheer to the Oxford Hills.
• In schools its no longer possible to group students by ages due to widely varying cellular levels. Most tribes run their own schools.
• Z responds: "This is my personal story. I was chosen to bring this message to the tribe. Isn't that your story too?"
• All attendees of Bilderberg wiped out by Ebola-like virus. Canadian government quarantines Manitoba. Worst disaster since legionnaire's disease in Philadelphia.
• Uncle Henry's features new category that allows humans to be sold and bartered like trucks. For example: This sturdy farm wife has a 300 pound frame with some wear. Has current inspection sticker and makes reliable breakfast -- will swap for plow-truck.
• By rearranging pages on the calendar you can actually rearrange time, weather, seasons, etc.,
• This book will be released on genetic material and coded back into the human genome.
• Man vs microbe - who wins?
• SMB goes caroling in the streets of Norway carrying the big spleef from the Fuda parade.
• Floataway Tablets rated "better than sex" by Oprah magazine.
• The direction of this book should now be determined by http://www.imthinkingofsomething.com
• "Weekly World News" has been calling me all week for ideas.
• All the keywords that return zero You-Tube hits are put into sacred mantra books. But as fast as these books are published, someone creates a You-Tube video showing the books being read out loud -- rendering the books useless.
• After the seal attack Almondo seems worried.
• Z still feels jumpy after wrestling electric eels.
• Certain specialties have trouble attracting genetically capable students. As people devolve, their interest in modern science is replaced by survival skills like foraging.
• Franklin suggests adopting gay inducement techniques to make fish & other sea squatters into homosexuals. It has the effect of making them lose interest in reproduction -- reducing population in a few generations. Gayfish becomes a popular entrée in seacoast restaurants.
• Plot viscosity numbers are printed on the outside of the books -- like movie ratings.
• Eschericia learns and embraces sexual reproduction.
• Everyone wants life-size bodcasting for obvious reasons. They think the government is hiding it. Hackers link together 100 Ipods and successfully download a body 100 times larger than the usual Ipod sized model. Luckily they selected a harmless bright red dog as the test subject.
• New flying saucer decals let you convert your car into an unidentified spacecraft.
• Something about the liquefication process allows microbes in the liquefied area to meet up and reproduce sexually thus revitalizing the entire host organism.
• The name of Madison Square Garden (MSG) is changed to the didinium center.
• Following in footsteps of Eminem, celebrities rename themselves after food, like Crisco, Dorito, and Soymilk.
• Abstraction and expansion alternating, creates a wave.
• Single vagina gives birth to entire world.
• Due to binary fission there are now 4 DG'z. SMB wives and girlfriends see DG'z as threat instead of freakish curiosity.
• SMB are on 207 again. This time DA takes off his clothes during "The Wondrous Boat Ride". They all get kicked out of the studio.
• Franklin, on his deathbed, decides that outer space should be sterilized -- just to make sure.
• Infinitely colored stripes become popular as the translucent trend in fashion fades.
• Outraged by "Lost Baggage" the mummy speaks. One of the mummies who was brought back by necrophelia says that SMB is crazy. She claims, after 2000 years experience with death, that humans are on a dead branch of evolution, that there is nothing wrong with the path of the last 10,000 years, we can only fulfill our purpose by letting the human branch expire, by regressing and in effect climbing back down the branch, we will get to the trunk of the tree and infect all the branches from below.

evo - chapter 10

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• Alex Jones checks into rehab to break Crisco addiction. That’s the official story.
• DG'z use the microbe sexual reproduction method to refresh (dope up) their dopamine receptors.
• Secret wing of Children's Hospital houses chronic laughers -- victims of failed self-devolution. Doctors and nurses find it contagious & start laughing, which pisses-off patients, who though angry, can't stop laughing either.
• Microbes tip the balance. Microbes are leavers. They consume the living, they consume the dead.
• Why is space travel the answer? The Noah's ark analogy only works if crisis makes it inevitable. Can we combine "The Wizard of Oz" return home with saving the planet -- which is actually a form of leaving home.
• There is now a secret sixfinger wing of the AGTI. Joni Mitchell is playing the piano in the secret lobby.
• Seal dancing splits into 12 subgenres, like what happened to rock and roll.
• Almondo appears to have morphed into a blithering idiot.
• All prescription medicine is now sold in the form of magic worms as well as capsules and pills.
• The makers of the bigs are kidnapped by Terrorettes and forced to bodcast giant zombies.
• The loss model of evolution gains favor as devolvers keep showing up with new features. However these features generally lower survival & lifespan.
• Using designer evo, Broadway producers create actual grinches and re-cast "The Music Man".
• evo-F (forward) becomes evo-SM and is essentially a more encompassing version of devo-SM.
• Tribal leaders take to wearing stripes.
• Al Gore now says that he was wrong. The truth is that when our food supply is exhausted we will be protected by encystment regardless of evo-number.
• Promiscuity-suit lets nuns and priests have orgies. The guilt remains in the clothing and easily washes out.
• Christmalicia splinters into MaliciaB and the A-team. The A-team is wants a return to the stone age. MaliciaB just likes bees.
• Joni Mitchell grows a 3rd stomach.
• Bacteria begin to eat away at these plots, leaving huge plot holes, unable to be filled.
• "Archie the Archae" -- The story of an orphaned microbe who finally finds a host, after being rejected by hostile receptor sites.
• Alex Jones interviews former CIA agent: The government has acquired Buddhist practice of evo or devo via reincarnation. She claims that the CIA is still looking for the evo-number marker-gene & was using reincarnation method out of desperation.
• In the past few weeks, users of Floataway Tablets report finding themselves at the train station in Norway, Maine not realizing how they got there.
• Seal dancing gains FDA approval as a safe replacement for sex.
• Liquefied Martians are reported near the Greenwood antenna sight.
• The whole need-for-history thing implies what? It implies loss. Loss of whatever knowledge that modern history lessons have replaced.
• Pit bulls continue to devolve to the point where they are no longer a skin irritation and blend into background energy fields.
• Protesters tear off and burn their animal suits. Underneath the animal suits they're wearing business suits.
• SMB releases children's Hanukkah song: "Meiosis, Mitosis".
• Frustrated, scientists are unable to make KFC into anything else. Apparently its in a terminal state of matter. A category that subsumes distinctions like gas, liquid, or solid.
• Citing the pleasure of being eaten, more and more people opt to get swallowed by whales while wearing special anti-digestion suits.
• SMB gets into fight: Z wants to regress, T has packed bags ready to travel dimensionally, J and B think they're both nuts.
• MAA algorithm continues to fail -- Seems that it needs implicit cooperation of organisms being choreographed in order to work.
• New school of bebop traces roots to r2-d2, primal scream, and mumbling.
• As soon as Norway, Maine becomes the purposelessness center, it ceases to be that, because, it contradicts its definition.
• Alex Jones: "Evo-numbers are a sham. Evolution is about simplification and loss -- not complexity. Devolution is a trap to make us calm and pliable, like sheep. The Bilderbergs wont tell you their evo numbers. Instead of evo numbers, we should be looking evil-numbers".
• The new evo music is transcoded from radio, cosmic rays, and genetic manipulation.
• By feeding new Crisco to insects you triple their size.
• Eschericia becomes the new eve -- tempting but poison.
• After viewing "Soylent Green", Franklin suggests using KFA to make all living creatures in the sea (including fishermen and mermaids) palletable.
• SMB publishes coloring books to distribute at Harry Brown's farm in Starks, Maine.
• SMB performs: "The Slonimsky Thesaurus of Scales" - live in Old Orchard Beach.
• Mitchell/Cheney porn tape discovered and leaked to the Internet.
• The big family rides around in really big garbage trucks.
• The scourge of flying pit bulls. They swoop down to eat human children. The establishment points out the the flying pit bulls have never eaten baby monkeys.
• The sixthfinger tribes now have the technology to de-regress -- essential to undo devolution back to the point where regression was applied. They hide the instructions for this technology in random places around the neighborhood ensuring its safety should the tribe mysteriously disappear like other genetic engineers working in forward mode.
• SMB releases Negativeland covers: "Yellow Black & Rectangular", and "Carbomb".
• J asks Z: If this is the story of your tribe then what about your personal story, Zigzag? When are you going to tell that part of it? Nobody's going to buy this holier than thou act.
• I'm going so crazy from thinking like this that I'm losing my mind.
• Animals hear music in the same universal colors as humans.
• Minature pit bulls get out of Cheney's laptop and become painful skin irritants.
• Flabby men experiment with hydraulic taps to control water weight -- based on systems used in submarines.
• You can actually get high by watching videos of microbes getting high.
• Have you ever looked at snow under a microscope?
• Tribes align politically like the 21st century bell curve. Most are concerned with day to day living while highly polarized factions fight over power and philosophy.
• secret knowledge from the present informs the past

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